Let the holiday inspired shaming begin!

So its been a bit and I have a bunch of black logged posts to do and I will get to them but I have been busy, you know living life. Today though I am annoyed and needing a place to vent. See once again its the holiday season so a ton of blog posts are being shared about how terrible mothers who make crafty stuff are and how they only do it to one up others. My thing here is the epic butt hurt some women have. You don't want to do it or don't have time, cool don't. While you are at it stop blaming your guilt on not doing it on others cause thats the snakes in your own head not theirs. Those posts of cute things they made aren't meant to make you feel bad they are proud of what they did, should they have to hide who they are because your fragile ego can't take it? My oldest is the most unathletic kid on the planet. I will never post pictures of her dancing in a recital, or playing a sport but I can the crafty things we do together so let me have that and shut the fuck up already.

On to point of contention two, please stop saying that people posting holiday decorations, or celebration photos are doing it to make you feel bad you couldn't afford to do as much. I didn't grow up with a lot, don't get me wrong we had enough and I never needed for anything, but oh the wants! I tell my kids no so much through the year that at birthdays and christmas I do spoil them a bit. We don't take a lot of family vacations, big or small ones. I save and shop through out the year to make the holidays I choose to celebrate bigger. That has nothing to do with you, thats my choice, I don't bitch when you post how you are going to Disney for the 3rd time this year when I have been once in 35 years and it was only to Epcot when I was a senior in high school. To each their own people.


If you truly believe that the mothers posting crafty stuff they made, or the people posting about holiday celebrations are doing it to upset you, to attack your abilities, well then maybe you should seek some professional help because you have some serious issues that go way deeper than a lack of time.

That wife ~ A follow up

So I have been spending the last week or so dealing with somethings. Life has been a little stressful birthdays, work, and I lost a 'friend' she didn't leave this earth for the there after but we will no longer be talking.

She was the inspiration for the that wife post (which can be read here That Military Wife) and even though I said in that post that how incredible frustrating they can be, its hard to decide that you have to let them go. That try as you might you can't keep holding them up because you are allowing your self to suffer by doing it.

I didn't just drop the ball, I drop kicked the bitch. I think all people have breaking points and I reached mine. The passive aggressive social media posts, the outright lies on it, the hypocrisy I just couldn't take it any more. She caught me on a bad day with her pointless drama, and it was just enough. When I told my husband about it, he laughed and said thank god! He was a bit tired of my frustration, the snide comments about us, but he knows me and he knows I have a hard time watching people flounder. I kept thinking it would get better, but you really have to get that you treating people like second class citizens, and looking down your nose at others is a problem. It may not seem like it but it really does take a lot for me to get to the point of saying fuck you to someone. In this case a little over 2 years.

In this follow up post, I just want to say, yes it sucks to drop the ball, or drop kick it :) Sometimes you have to cut the weight pulling you down. You can not be the golden nugget of support for people who only seem happy taking shots at you, and never return the support. It has to be a give and take or its not really a friendship.

September 11, 2001 the day my world changed

I was no where near New York. I was in Michigan, I was broke and didn't have cable TV, or a car. I walked to work about a 15 minute walk, I thought it was strange on my way that town seemed kind of empty, but it made my walk faster and I was running late so I didn't give it a lot of thought. I owned a clothing store, it was a specialty store and across a foyer area from my brothers business that my dad was running for him while he was in Chicago.
When I walked down the stairs I noticed it was really quiet, normally music and videos and noise was what greeted me. I went in to let me dad know I had made it. I found him sitting on the couch watching TV. He had the strangest look on his face, he was kind of distant and pained. When I started to talk he held up his hand and pointed at the TV. I finally turned my full attention to it and watched in complete confusion as the world trade center was falling. I didn't fully understand even listening to it and reading the bottom scroll, I couldn't grasp what was happening. For hours I sat there with him watching, he was worried and trying to hide it, worried about what was happening, and worried about a plane they kept saying they thought was missing... they kept talking about where they thought it was heading and Chicago kept getting thrown out there. I watched as he tried to hide the fear from me and I wrestled with my own.
Even after all the planes were accounted for and I knew my family was safe, I wrestled with the guilt over feeling happy that my loved ones were okay as stories came out of people on one flight calling loved ones to say goodbye, while we watched the toll climb the fear wouldn't go away. Was more coming, was anyone really safe, who had done this, what was going to happen now? Hours, flew by but it felt as if time stood still. I watched the same thing over and over trying to understand it. My dad and I talked and tried to make sense of it, I got a new appreciation for my father, he put it into a perspective I would have never gotten on my own.
I have always been proud of who I am, where I come from, never more so than in the weeks following this attack. I watched as the country put differences aside and came together mostly. I watched people find their pride in our country again. 14 years later I am sitting here reflecting on it I can still feel the fear, the panic, the horror I felt that day. As a military family, both growing up and now I think I see it differently than some. Tomorrow I will turn off the TV, I will keep my laptop closed and and I will mourn and reflect in my way and in silence. I will never forget what happened that day, how I felt and how it changed my world.

Everything you need to know about the FRG, and why most spouses cringe when they hear those 3 letters

I don't hate the FRG as a whole but like all things there is a certain amount of suck to be had.

FRG (Family Readiness Group, for those non Army people) The idea behind the FRG is this; a group of spouses and families left behind in times of deployment that can turn to each other for support in moments of silence, sorrow, and joy. A beautiful concept. They are also the group that does fundraisers for the unit, brings baked goods, helps organize things being sent over seas to make sure everyone is getting support. What it actually tends to be is a group of angry spouses bitching about how much they hate the command team, the Army and the other clicks, basically high school. How did such a wonderful idea spiral into madness?! Well Thats where I blame the Army, in part. (I am sure its the same in all branches in fact worse in the Navy) See they have this rule where the Officers and the Enlisted can't be too friendly. The reason behind this rule is sound, you don't want the appearance of favoritism. The problem is the execution, see instead of it being you need to do team building as a unit it becomes enlisted over here and officers over there. The bitterness of you don't know what its like to be me sets in and they go home, and tell their spouses. Not that they need too because we aren't even allowed to live in the same housing communities, nope those are divided up by rank too, so even if you don't know your husbands rank as soon as you say of we live on post in X you just gave it away to those rank watching bitches.

Now as I have mentioned before there is always that group that wears their spouses rank like a fucking badge of honor, they are second on my list of useless spouses, the ones on the top are the ones that are wearing it, talk about it all the time, but act like they aren't one of those, usually because they think they are better than them, they truly are the worst! Back to how this plays in the FRG, see you now have a bunch of spouses who feel like their husband is being treated poorly by your husband and we all are supposed to hold hands and sing kumbaya? Aaahhahahhahaha riiiight. Typically the worst of the worst are you senior enlisted NCO wives and of course officers wives, junior enlisted wives are usually so beat down by the others that they are just trying to survive the ordeal, the problem is they will become the bad later because they feel they paid their dues and earned it.... fun right?!

There is hope, you see that small, I mean SMALL group of women sitting off to the side, not even really talking to each other just near each other, because the words don't need to be said amongst them they just feel it and gravitate towards each other. They are the spouses who are only here because they felt they had to come to at least one of these, they hoped for the best but as soon as they walked in and saw eagle spelled wrong on the screaming eagles cake they knew the stories were true! They are the ones that are a mix of former soldiers them selves, working wives, military brats, and the bless her soul happily clueless, they have no idea what their own husbands rank is let alone yours or why they should care. Approach them cautiously, if you move to quickly they will think you want to convert them and flee, but if you can bond with this amazing group of women you are home free, you will survive not only this unit/deployment, but the Army life as well because even as you all start to move away you will stay in touch and you will know you can vent, you can be excited about your spouses accomplishments and you can be disappointed in things judgment free because they know.

All that said you will once in a blue moon find that rare FRG where it works like it should, I didn't mention male spouses because frankly somehow they are the lucky ones that miss out on this drama, they should lead a class!

Its the worst time of the year....

But it is fall you say, time when EVERYTHING turns into some form of pumpkin or its spice flavoring. Yes that is true, it is that time of the year as well which is also not my favorite either. Unless its in pie form and drowned in cool whip not redo whip I am not interested! 

Alas that is not the time of year I am talking about though, no this is much worse than sweaters with vests tall boots and pumpkin spice. This is the dreaded waiting season. The season of pure torture and hell on earth because we truly have to acknowledge that we hold no control over our own lives. We have to wait until big Army in the sky decides where to send us next, the email has been sent that joke of a what are your top 3 and bottom 3 locations, cause we all know it doesn't matter, if it did I wouldn't be sitting at Campbell alone again for the second year. Nope this is a tease, a we want to know what you want but we are going to do 'whats best for the mission'. I totally get the mission comes first, "If the military wanted you to have a family they would have issued you one" Yep got it! 

I understand that we are not an important factor, Army family strong slogan not with standing. I truly do get it, they know where they need people and thats where you will go. I smile and move forward because I knew when I started dating my husband this is what I was in for. I know to some this sounds angry and bitter but ya know what I am really not. I'm not mad, and defiantly not bitter, the Army is showing us the world, helping us test our selves as a couple and family and see how strong we really are. No I am not hateful towards the Army, I love the Army and my Soldier I just hate the wait. I love that the military is supportive of homeschooling, I love that I can find a few like minded people to connect with a commiserate with. I am proud of my husband for all he has worked to accomplish, the pride and honor he takes in his service. I have the utmost respect for all those that have honorable served before and will in the future. 

But hurry up and wait aint no joke. 

Cloud pets are AMAZING!

So I love that we have come so far electronically for kids deploying with deployments, or just long distance parents. A friend of mine shared a link for the cloud pet with me and I fell in love! The concept is awesome! (no I am not even getting paid to say that!) We ended up getting one for each child the concept is really easy you send messages to a cloud and they are approved by the parent and added to the toy. They can in turn record one back. Its not the same as talking but its getting close :) My kids are so excited when they wake up and see the heart flashing with a new message from daddy. 

We had them set up as a big surprise sent from daddy and set up with a new message for each of them to listen to when they first got them. That moment when they heard dads voice, PRICELESS! Totally worth the $40

We have them send a message a couple times a week, and they get one from him a couple times a week too. Added bonus, you can record a bunch at one time and send them one at a time later, so when he is out of touch they can still get new messages from him. For the youngest ones its so important to hear his voice often. 

Septembers care package ~ Can't help falling in love with you.

Septembers theme was can't help falling in love with you, so fall :).

I got a candle that smells like fall lol, well things that make me think of fall, S'mores! I got some snacks because I always send snacks, and some hot apple cider mix. (Bacon flavored ritz crackers for the win) :) 

Of course letters, pictures and we made hugs :) 

I didn't get a picture of them :( I forgot. But we traced them on butchers paper and then they colored them in and we rolled them up to add to the box so daddy can get a hug from his babies. You could trace them on left over wrapping paper too and then one side they color and the other is the wrapping paper :) 

...One month down....

So its officially been a month.
A month...
Only a month!?
I swear its been so much longer than a month! Okay technically it has been for us, we did have the whole of last year apart too, although he was in country so most don't count that, but we were living a couple hundred miles apart so screw them it counts!

This is our one month down picture, we are going to do this every month until daddy comes home. I am guessing by the end it will be me crying and rocking my self while they set the house on fire. Too dramatic? 

I know I am lucky I have 3 healthy kids and people have it worse, but there are some challenges to that too. I have 3 very active kids, like wake up at 5 up until 10-11 active, loud mostly happy kids. I work from home... I have no family with in 6 hours, I have no real break. I know I could send them to day care but that feels like a cop out. Nothing against working moms that do it, but since I am home, working or not, I can't justify it to myself. 

I can honestly say after a little over a year of doing it all, and another year facing me I am already having moments of just over it! I miss my partner, I miss being able to talk about the end and listen to his at bed time. I miss staying up in to the wee hours of the morning talking about anything. Before he left a year ago I knew this would be the hardest part for me the lack of having that person to talk too. Friends are wonderful, and I love talking with them, but there are things I can't say to them that I can to him. Sometimes well meaning friends are the reason I need to talk to him. The comments that are meant supportive but really make you want to slap someone, or drink, cause drinking is better than violence right? 

So yes back to the point one month down! Exciting right? Only 11-13 more to go! 

August care package

This months theme is favorites snacks.

I collected a bunch of his favorite snacks and a shirt I know he will love. I try to get tons of snacks so there are extras for others. Individual sizes I find ship better, range of cookies, gum, candy, crackers, and popcorn. 

The kids and I will color pictures and things to round out the rest of the package. Of course each month I send a hand written personal letter that I work on through out the month of whatever is going on here at home.

I try to write a little each day, some days are more interesting than others :) 

The flaps are done with scrapbook paper and stickers, and photo corners so the pictures can be saved easily. 

Coping with lonely nights

Night time when the house is finally quiet, kids are asleep is the time I normal cuddle up with my husband. We watch tv, and talk, just lay together, so when the time comes for bed, I'm so lonely.

I've tried sleeping in his shirts, he doesn't wear anything so this is kinda pointless for me other than a baggy shirt. I recently bought a body pillow, I tuck it in on his side so when I roll on my side it's against my back it's comforting. Don't get me wrong it's a crappy substitute, wouldn't say much for him if it wasn't, but it is comforting. I've seen a really expensive pillow that plays his heart beat it glows or some craziness when he's near it but hello time difference! It would be all sweet and glowy when I wasn't near it. I'm waiting for teleportation that will be sweet! Just beam back over in the morning. 

So what do you do on the lonely nights or moments? How do you get through? I am totally open to suggestions and ideas let's help each other out here :) 

A thousand horses broke me...

So the other day I mentioned those days that you will lose the fight, sometimes it's just a battle.

I listen to iTunes Radio while I run, today a song came on and broke me. I hit the ground and lost it. Big ole ugly ass cry. Last year my husband was away but stateside so everyday he would sing me a song and send me the video. I had my favorites, he did too. The song he did for my birthday came on and that was it. Down for the count. In fact I'm sitting here typing this post while still crying because damn it this is my therapy! 

You know what I mean right? That song that's special to you comes on or one of those heart wrenching I lost someone songs and you just crumble. I love music it's great to change your mood and sometimes totally jack up a good run.