Let the holiday inspired shaming begin!

So its been a bit and I have a bunch of black logged posts to do and I will get to them but I have been busy, you know living life. Today though I am annoyed and needing a place to vent. See once again its the holiday season so a ton of blog posts are being shared about how terrible mothers who make crafty stuff are and how they only do it to one up others. My thing here is the epic butt hurt some women have. You don't want to do it or don't have time, cool don't. While you are at it stop blaming your guilt on not doing it on others cause thats the snakes in your own head not theirs. Those posts of cute things they made aren't meant to make you feel bad they are proud of what they did, should they have to hide who they are because your fragile ego can't take it? My oldest is the most unathletic kid on the planet. I will never post pictures of her dancing in a recital, or playing a sport but I can the crafty things we do together so let me have that and shut the fuck up already.

On to point of contention two, please stop saying that people posting holiday decorations, or celebration photos are doing it to make you feel bad you couldn't afford to do as much. I didn't grow up with a lot, don't get me wrong we had enough and I never needed for anything, but oh the wants! I tell my kids no so much through the year that at birthdays and christmas I do spoil them a bit. We don't take a lot of family vacations, big or small ones. I save and shop through out the year to make the holidays I choose to celebrate bigger. That has nothing to do with you, thats my choice, I don't bitch when you post how you are going to Disney for the 3rd time this year when I have been once in 35 years and it was only to Epcot when I was a senior in high school. To each their own people.


If you truly believe that the mothers posting crafty stuff they made, or the people posting about holiday celebrations are doing it to upset you, to attack your abilities, well then maybe you should seek some professional help because you have some serious issues that go way deeper than a lack of time.

JSS

So my walking dead heads will totally get this already but it hit me, hard. If you watch talking dead you will see Kevin Smith and I will soon have the same tattoo.

I have never broken it down like this but I love it. JSS just survive somehow. It's perfect for military families cause really that's what it's about right?

My husband is gone and I am just going day by day... surviving. Some days you get lucky and it's easy and you feel like you are safe behind the walls and other days some asshole beeches the walls and starts stabbing people, laying on a horn bringing thousands of walkers to your door. 

Even if you don't watch I think you can get my meaning here. You just have to do whatever to survive. Some days are going to be easier than others. I am here for ya though... If you need me, I'm a message away. 

That wife ~ A follow up

So I have been spending the last week or so dealing with somethings. Life has been a little stressful birthdays, work, and I lost a 'friend' she didn't leave this earth for the there after but we will no longer be talking.

She was the inspiration for the that wife post (which can be read here That Military Wife) and even though I said in that post that how incredible frustrating they can be, its hard to decide that you have to let them go. That try as you might you can't keep holding them up because you are allowing your self to suffer by doing it.

I didn't just drop the ball, I drop kicked the bitch. I think all people have breaking points and I reached mine. The passive aggressive social media posts, the outright lies on it, the hypocrisy I just couldn't take it any more. She caught me on a bad day with her pointless drama, and it was just enough. When I told my husband about it, he laughed and said thank god! He was a bit tired of my frustration, the snide comments about us, but he knows me and he knows I have a hard time watching people flounder. I kept thinking it would get better, but you really have to get that you treating people like second class citizens, and looking down your nose at others is a problem. It may not seem like it but it really does take a lot for me to get to the point of saying fuck you to someone. In this case a little over 2 years.

In this follow up post, I just want to say, yes it sucks to drop the ball, or drop kick it :) Sometimes you have to cut the weight pulling you down. You can not be the golden nugget of support for people who only seem happy taking shots at you, and never return the support. It has to be a give and take or its not really a friendship.

September 11, 2001 the day my world changed

I was no where near New York. I was in Michigan, I was broke and didn't have cable TV, or a car. I walked to work about a 15 minute walk, I thought it was strange on my way that town seemed kind of empty, but it made my walk faster and I was running late so I didn't give it a lot of thought. I owned a clothing store, it was a specialty store and across a foyer area from my brothers business that my dad was running for him while he was in Chicago.
When I walked down the stairs I noticed it was really quiet, normally music and videos and noise was what greeted me. I went in to let me dad know I had made it. I found him sitting on the couch watching TV. He had the strangest look on his face, he was kind of distant and pained. When I started to talk he held up his hand and pointed at the TV. I finally turned my full attention to it and watched in complete confusion as the world trade center was falling. I didn't fully understand even listening to it and reading the bottom scroll, I couldn't grasp what was happening. For hours I sat there with him watching, he was worried and trying to hide it, worried about what was happening, and worried about a plane they kept saying they thought was missing... they kept talking about where they thought it was heading and Chicago kept getting thrown out there. I watched as he tried to hide the fear from me and I wrestled with my own.
Even after all the planes were accounted for and I knew my family was safe, I wrestled with the guilt over feeling happy that my loved ones were okay as stories came out of people on one flight calling loved ones to say goodbye, while we watched the toll climb the fear wouldn't go away. Was more coming, was anyone really safe, who had done this, what was going to happen now? Hours, flew by but it felt as if time stood still. I watched the same thing over and over trying to understand it. My dad and I talked and tried to make sense of it, I got a new appreciation for my father, he put it into a perspective I would have never gotten on my own.
I have always been proud of who I am, where I come from, never more so than in the weeks following this attack. I watched as the country put differences aside and came together mostly. I watched people find their pride in our country again. 14 years later I am sitting here reflecting on it I can still feel the fear, the panic, the horror I felt that day. As a military family, both growing up and now I think I see it differently than some. Tomorrow I will turn off the TV, I will keep my laptop closed and and I will mourn and reflect in my way and in silence. I will never forget what happened that day, how I felt and how it changed my world.

Everything you need to know about the FRG, and why most spouses cringe when they hear those 3 letters

I don't hate the FRG as a whole but like all things there is a certain amount of suck to be had.

FRG (Family Readiness Group, for those non Army people) The idea behind the FRG is this; a group of spouses and families left behind in times of deployment that can turn to each other for support in moments of silence, sorrow, and joy. A beautiful concept. They are also the group that does fundraisers for the unit, brings baked goods, helps organize things being sent over seas to make sure everyone is getting support. What it actually tends to be is a group of angry spouses bitching about how much they hate the command team, the Army and the other clicks, basically high school. How did such a wonderful idea spiral into madness?! Well Thats where I blame the Army, in part. (I am sure its the same in all branches in fact worse in the Navy) See they have this rule where the Officers and the Enlisted can't be too friendly. The reason behind this rule is sound, you don't want the appearance of favoritism. The problem is the execution, see instead of it being you need to do team building as a unit it becomes enlisted over here and officers over there. The bitterness of you don't know what its like to be me sets in and they go home, and tell their spouses. Not that they need too because we aren't even allowed to live in the same housing communities, nope those are divided up by rank too, so even if you don't know your husbands rank as soon as you say of we live on post in X you just gave it away to those rank watching bitches.

Now as I have mentioned before there is always that group that wears their spouses rank like a fucking badge of honor, they are second on my list of useless spouses, the ones on the top are the ones that are wearing it, talk about it all the time, but act like they aren't one of those, usually because they think they are better than them, they truly are the worst! Back to how this plays in the FRG, see you now have a bunch of spouses who feel like their husband is being treated poorly by your husband and we all are supposed to hold hands and sing kumbaya? Aaahhahahhahaha riiiight. Typically the worst of the worst are you senior enlisted NCO wives and of course officers wives, junior enlisted wives are usually so beat down by the others that they are just trying to survive the ordeal, the problem is they will become the bad later because they feel they paid their dues and earned it.... fun right?!

There is hope, you see that small, I mean SMALL group of women sitting off to the side, not even really talking to each other just near each other, because the words don't need to be said amongst them they just feel it and gravitate towards each other. They are the spouses who are only here because they felt they had to come to at least one of these, they hoped for the best but as soon as they walked in and saw eagle spelled wrong on the screaming eagles cake they knew the stories were true! They are the ones that are a mix of former soldiers them selves, working wives, military brats, and the bless her soul happily clueless, they have no idea what their own husbands rank is let alone yours or why they should care. Approach them cautiously, if you move to quickly they will think you want to convert them and flee, but if you can bond with this amazing group of women you are home free, you will survive not only this unit/deployment, but the Army life as well because even as you all start to move away you will stay in touch and you will know you can vent, you can be excited about your spouses accomplishments and you can be disappointed in things judgment free because they know.

All that said you will once in a blue moon find that rare FRG where it works like it should, I didn't mention male spouses because frankly somehow they are the lucky ones that miss out on this drama, they should lead a class!

Its the worst time of the year....

But it is fall you say, time when EVERYTHING turns into some form of pumpkin or its spice flavoring. Yes that is true, it is that time of the year as well which is also not my favorite either. Unless its in pie form and drowned in cool whip not redo whip I am not interested! 

Alas that is not the time of year I am talking about though, no this is much worse than sweaters with vests tall boots and pumpkin spice. This is the dreaded waiting season. The season of pure torture and hell on earth because we truly have to acknowledge that we hold no control over our own lives. We have to wait until big Army in the sky decides where to send us next, the email has been sent that joke of a what are your top 3 and bottom 3 locations, cause we all know it doesn't matter, if it did I wouldn't be sitting at Campbell alone again for the second year. Nope this is a tease, a we want to know what you want but we are going to do 'whats best for the mission'. I totally get the mission comes first, "If the military wanted you to have a family they would have issued you one" Yep got it! 

I understand that we are not an important factor, Army family strong slogan not with standing. I truly do get it, they know where they need people and thats where you will go. I smile and move forward because I knew when I started dating my husband this is what I was in for. I know to some this sounds angry and bitter but ya know what I am really not. I'm not mad, and defiantly not bitter, the Army is showing us the world, helping us test our selves as a couple and family and see how strong we really are. No I am not hateful towards the Army, I love the Army and my Soldier I just hate the wait. I love that the military is supportive of homeschooling, I love that I can find a few like minded people to connect with a commiserate with. I am proud of my husband for all he has worked to accomplish, the pride and honor he takes in his service. I have the utmost respect for all those that have honorable served before and will in the future. 

But hurry up and wait aint no joke. 

Cloud pets are AMAZING!

So I love that we have come so far electronically for kids deploying with deployments, or just long distance parents. A friend of mine shared a link for the cloud pet with me and I fell in love! The concept is awesome! (no I am not even getting paid to say that!) We ended up getting one for each child the concept is really easy you send messages to a cloud and they are approved by the parent and added to the toy. They can in turn record one back. Its not the same as talking but its getting close :) My kids are so excited when they wake up and see the heart flashing with a new message from daddy. 

We had them set up as a big surprise sent from daddy and set up with a new message for each of them to listen to when they first got them. That moment when they heard dads voice, PRICELESS! Totally worth the $40

We have them send a message a couple times a week, and they get one from him a couple times a week too. Added bonus, you can record a bunch at one time and send them one at a time later, so when he is out of touch they can still get new messages from him. For the youngest ones its so important to hear his voice often. 

Septembers care package ~ Can't help falling in love with you.

Septembers theme was can't help falling in love with you, so fall :).

I got a candle that smells like fall lol, well things that make me think of fall, S'mores! I got some snacks because I always send snacks, and some hot apple cider mix. (Bacon flavored ritz crackers for the win) :) 

Of course letters, pictures and we made hugs :) 

I didn't get a picture of them :( I forgot. But we traced them on butchers paper and then they colored them in and we rolled them up to add to the box so daddy can get a hug from his babies. You could trace them on left over wrapping paper too and then one side they color and the other is the wrapping paper :) 

...One month down....

So its officially been a month.
A month...
Only a month!?
I swear its been so much longer than a month! Okay technically it has been for us, we did have the whole of last year apart too, although he was in country so most don't count that, but we were living a couple hundred miles apart so screw them it counts!

This is our one month down picture, we are going to do this every month until daddy comes home. I am guessing by the end it will be me crying and rocking my self while they set the house on fire. Too dramatic? 

I know I am lucky I have 3 healthy kids and people have it worse, but there are some challenges to that too. I have 3 very active kids, like wake up at 5 up until 10-11 active, loud mostly happy kids. I work from home... I have no family with in 6 hours, I have no real break. I know I could send them to day care but that feels like a cop out. Nothing against working moms that do it, but since I am home, working or not, I can't justify it to myself. 

I can honestly say after a little over a year of doing it all, and another year facing me I am already having moments of just over it! I miss my partner, I miss being able to talk about the end and listen to his at bed time. I miss staying up in to the wee hours of the morning talking about anything. Before he left a year ago I knew this would be the hardest part for me the lack of having that person to talk too. Friends are wonderful, and I love talking with them, but there are things I can't say to them that I can to him. Sometimes well meaning friends are the reason I need to talk to him. The comments that are meant supportive but really make you want to slap someone, or drink, cause drinking is better than violence right? 

So yes back to the point one month down! Exciting right? Only 11-13 more to go! 

August care package

This months theme is favorites snacks.

I collected a bunch of his favorite snacks and a shirt I know he will love. I try to get tons of snacks so there are extras for others. Individual sizes I find ship better, range of cookies, gum, candy, crackers, and popcorn. 

The kids and I will color pictures and things to round out the rest of the package. Of course each month I send a hand written personal letter that I work on through out the month of whatever is going on here at home.

I try to write a little each day, some days are more interesting than others :) 

The flaps are done with scrapbook paper and stickers, and photo corners so the pictures can be saved easily. 

Coping with lonely nights

Night time when the house is finally quiet, kids are asleep is the time I normal cuddle up with my husband. We watch tv, and talk, just lay together, so when the time comes for bed, I'm so lonely.

I've tried sleeping in his shirts, he doesn't wear anything so this is kinda pointless for me other than a baggy shirt. I recently bought a body pillow, I tuck it in on his side so when I roll on my side it's against my back it's comforting. Don't get me wrong it's a crappy substitute, wouldn't say much for him if it wasn't, but it is comforting. I've seen a really expensive pillow that plays his heart beat it glows or some craziness when he's near it but hello time difference! It would be all sweet and glowy when I wasn't near it. I'm waiting for teleportation that will be sweet! Just beam back over in the morning. 

So what do you do on the lonely nights or moments? How do you get through? I am totally open to suggestions and ideas let's help each other out here :) 

Ah to be me, the charmed life... Right?

So once upon a time this woman decided she hated me because I live a charmed life. Don't get me wrong I'm not always loveable, but charmed, Me? Seriously? 

My charmed life this past week consisted of me waking up thinking I was dying. Spending the next two days ridiculously sick, my youngest breaking her light switch so her light wouldn't turn on. Having to replace it while trying not to throw up having never replaced a light switch before. Oh and my daughters birthday is this weekend when family from all over will be in my house. 

Not sure I was charmed this past week but I learned what screening for west Nile is like, that I can change out a light switch, and that I can take care of two toddlers while crawling through my house. So go me right?! 

Better to be lucky than good as they say I suppose. Really I guess my point is I am still learning how capable I am do it it on my own. When you have no choice but to I don't think you look at it as being strong it's just what you have to do. No one is gonna do it for you, right? Exactly, but I think we all need to take a moment and pat ourselves on the back because the fact that no one else is going to do it doesn't make us less strong for doing it. Just don't spend to much time patting your self on the back and become that wife ;) 

Millstones, the key to survive deployments.

On the long drive back home (10 hours) I find it easier when I break it down with little things like at about 3 hours is s great rest stop with a huge area the kids can run around for a few, the giant Jesus come up out of the lake holding a cross in front of a church. (Not poking fun it really was huge!) It breaks the drive up and makes it more manageable. Same applies to deployments. 

I never count down to home coming because sometimes that changes and can be heart breaking when you've had your eye on a certain date. So I count things that have already passed like first month, 100 days down, we write something that happens each week that we want to share with daddy and put it in a jar so we do weeks down too. Or small easy to mark points ahead, like certain care packages for holidays or special moments for us. Small things that are happy and for the most part the dates shouldn't change. It helps to have a goal in mind to break up the large time frame with small things, trips, weekends, girls night, whatever helps ya. I like to have personal ones, family ones, and ones for us as a couple. 

Do you have any millstones you use to mark the time? Or suggestions feel free to leave a comment or message me if you rather. 

Please I beg you stop posting no one cares!

Stop sharing things like this.

Stop saying and perpetrating the idea that no one cares. Clearly you care you are sharing it right? Whoever you saw that posted it cared. Their families, brothers and sisters in arms care. Please do not cheapen their sacrifice by saying no one cares. The people that really matter care. No some of the higher ups did not act the way we would have all liked that is something they have to live with, but you do not need to add to it. 

I do not want to see a town burned, business destroyed adding to this already tragic situation, no one should want to see people act like that for any reason. It doesn't further any cause. Most of those people rioting didn't care about the person who had died they wanted to loot and destroy. 

These 5 men who died in Chattanooga last week will not be forgotten, they will be honored, missed and loved forever by the people that really matter the people they were willing to die to protect. The saying 'he fights not because he hates what's in front of him but because he loves what's behind him' means something, take it to heart they do. 

How cute are these sticky notes? Even have the international mail look. Picked up a package of 50 at Walmart.

I always send my husband a few sticky notes in care packages hidden away. These I packed in his gear going with him, uniform pockets, socks, normal clothes, where ever he will find them but not all at once. I like to have him find them over time. 

Mourning

Yesterday there was a shooting not to far from me, 4 Marines were lost and an officer injured. As a military family it's always hard to send your loved one anywhere over seas, but it's so scary to send them anywhere stateside in uniform too now. My thoughts are with all those families touched by this tragedy. The military community mourns your loss with you. 

We live in scary times. Heads on a swivel my friends. 

A thousand horses broke me...

So the other day I mentioned those days that you will lose the fight, sometimes it's just a battle.

I listen to iTunes Radio while I run, today a song came on and broke me. I hit the ground and lost it. Big ole ugly ass cry. Last year my husband was away but stateside so everyday he would sing me a song and send me the video. I had my favorites, he did too. The song he did for my birthday came on and that was it. Down for the count. In fact I'm sitting here typing this post while still crying because damn it this is my therapy! 

You know what I mean right? That song that's special to you comes on or one of those heart wrenching I lost someone songs and you just crumble. I love music it's great to change your mood and sometimes totally jack up a good run. 

Let's be honest, this sucks.

We like to talk like we are strong and going to make this deployment our bitch, but some days I'm totally owned. 

Some days I don't want to get out of bed, or talk to anyone. It's usually short lived, sometimes not even the whole day, but I hate feeling like it makes me weak.

Loving my husband, missing him, losing it for a bit because I can't open a jar or remember where he put something makes me HUMAN. Today is one of those shitty screw everyone and everything don't text me and tell me I'm strong kinda days. I want to stay in bed, not shower or eat, but I have kids so up I go off to feed and clothe them, maybe feed the animals too, they like that. Inside though I'm counting down the minutes to bedtime when I can go cry in the shower and just let go for a few. 

Originally I wanted this blog to be all positive and upbeat, a source of motivation and strength but then I thought I should be real and honest because deployments suck and sometimes it will kick your ass and that's totally okay you can get it tomorrow. 

Daddy dolls!

I have seen lots of variations on this concept. This is by far my favorite though. You send them a picture they remove the background, you choose the backing for your doll, they even have a pocket for a note or voice box. Brilliant!

My kids love these so much. They cuddle them, read them stories and have them come to events daddy can't be at, for them it's like a part of him is there then. 

Bonding Daddy and Daughter

We got our oldest this necklace (https://www.etsy.com/shop/JanelleRaeJewelry) for when daddy is gone this year. Something to wear and hold, that tangible symbol of the love and bond they share. She is out of state visiting family right now so they said goodbye today. It's always heartbreaking when it's time to part ways but knowing how long it is this time makes it especially difficult. 

I think something to hold onto will help her some, those moments you miss that bond and need to reconnect. She also has a special journal to write in while he's gone that is geared towards military kids. As they get older it gets so much harder I think. 

Love notes; open when edition

It seems handwriting a letter is a lost art. I love how personal it is. 

He has enough letters for one a week the whole time he is supposed to be gone. Ones for all kinds of things, need a laugh, miss me, memories, holidays, feeling stressed, even when I upset him :) I'm hoping he doesn't need to open to many of those ones :) each one has a hand written note, some pictures, or cards. Little things to help make it a little easier I hope. 

Love notes: sticky note edition

I used colored sticky note packs, 100 each color and folded them up and put them in an extra large wipes container, all about the reusing too. :) 

I did a set from from the kids, hand prints, notes, memories, and silly quotes, things I know will make me laugh and smile. 

A set from me of memories over the last few years. 

A set of missing you things, just things I will miss and want him to know I'm thinking about. 

A set of love quotes, from movies, books, famous people, him, me, quotes that represent who we are as a couple. 

A relatively inexpensive thinking of you pick me up while there are gone. 

I'm back :)

So I had to take a little break from the idea behind this blog but I've been hard at work behind the scenes and am ready to get back to posting some of the stuff I have been working on. :) feel free to comment and ask me anything

That military wife

We all know her, she's the one who's been there before you, done it better, lived through worse, has it harder, and makes you feel an uncontrollable rage and pity at the same time because really who does she think she fooling? We all know she's full of shit and you just want to pat her on the hand and tell her it's okay. We get it you need to be the center, you need pity, and everyone to try to support you.

Here's the thing we don't hate you, we just want to slap the shit out of you. We are tired of you sucking the life out of us. We are exhausted trying to maintain ourselves and you because we don't want to be the one who dropped the ball. No one wants that guilt.

Well let's have a meeting here Army wives I pledge not to be her if you pledge to tell me if I slip! Seriously just say shut up Jillian you are being that wife! Get over it. I will do the same for you. Now here's the tricky part, if you are going to get upset 'unfriend' me, give me the silent treatment than just unfriend/follow me now, delete me from your phone. 

We are all going through our own things and constantly having to deal with your endless drama is just to much! 

What happened to my sweet loving boy?!

Deployment! Damn thing stole the boys joy and mojo. We are getting it back :)

My son has been having a really hard time dealing with daddy being gone recently. It's killing me! I hate that I can't help him or make it better. 

I was pursuing pinterest when I ran across a pin about deployment books for military kids. Why not right?! I wasn't expect the complete change in my son. He's so much calmer and happier. I had my husband record a video reading the story with him, we watch every night and like in the book send a star to daddy. Best purchase I have ever made, like ever!

A few nights I took pictures to send daddy of him sending the star to him. We don't send the right star, we send any light in the sky we can find, I don't care if it's a plane. Brenda Ehrmantraut you are my hero!